Anxiety, Anticipation, and Agitation
Anxiety, I am coming to realize, is a normal state of the nervous
system. It is not inherently healthy or unhealthy. Like any state machine,
the brain takes its current state into account when determining its next
state; from an anxious state of heightened sensitivity, my nervous system has
two possible successor states, anxiety’s yin and yang:
“anticipation” and “agitation”.
Anticipation is the healthier outcome of the two, at least under normal
external conditions. It feels like a vascular buzzing in my extremities, and
can be accompanied by little shivers as the increased capillary flow vents
warmth from the bloodstream through the skin.
Agitation is less healthy; in the state machine it links back to itself
in a very short loop, and at any point can branch further into Panic.
This is the really bad one, and feels like a flow of liquid lead running down
my chest cavity beneath the lungs (probably increased blood pressure pushing against distant constricted veins). There are no shivers, because the vascular system tightens and cannot act as a liquid heat sink; the body overheats.
In each of these two physiological manifestations of anxiety, the symptoms
feed the cycle. It is possible that this is evolved behavior; primitive
animals which continued to panic even after anxiety-inducing stimuli were
temporarily removed were probably more likely to survive whatever came next.
Creatures which were able to sustain their anticipation might be willing to
venture further into the unknown, to suffer a little more risk to reach a
greater reward.
Tomorrow is orientation day
for new graduate students at Rice. Classes start next Monday. I am
seriously anxious.
And for the first time in maybe three years, I feel only anticipation.