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I flew home from Houston this morning on one of the very first
flights out of George Bush Intercontinental Airport in 2003. As you
may know, the TSA has instituted some new procedures for the new year,
including much-publicized x-ray screening for all checked luggage and
somewhat-less-publicized new security measures. Based on my
experiences with the latter, I present:

Dan’s ‘Travel Tips You Won’t Find on the
TSA website‘

1. There will be trouble. Accept this. The security
   checkpoint metal detectors have been set to an unprecedented level of
   sensitivity (marked “detect-pea-through-mattresses” on the detector’s
   control panel). If you have elevated levels of hemoglobin, or have
   recently chewed on a pencil, you will set the detector off. Once
   you’ve set off the detector (and alarmed several nearby TSA employees)
   you will be directed to a special area for a hand-search.

2. Wear lightweight shoes. Moccasins are ideal; even the
   simplest footwear may set off the metal detection wand, including my
   simple brown lug-soled shoes (apparently, the “lug” is made of steel).
   You will be forced to take off your shoes, which leads us to:

3. Do not wear white socks with brown shoes. This isn’t so
   much a security recommendation as a style suggestion, but once your
   shoes are off and running through the x-ray with the other carry-ons,
   your misguided choice of socks will be visible to all.

4. Do not wear a belt. The buckle will, of course, cause the
   wand to light up like an Ectometer, eliciting further pat-down from the
   hapless TSA search technician. If your pants will not stay put without
   a belt, you’re simply out of luck — I suggest you get in touch
   with your inner hip-hop sensibilities. If you fail to follow this
   advice and wear a belt anyway, as I did, you’ll end up holding it like
   an idiot from one of your helplessly outstretched arms.

5. Do not wear blue jeans. Most blue jeans have tiny rivets
   that are each enough to set off the wand, and, yes, require
   further pat-down to ensure that you do not in fact possess a
   hip-mounted weapon the size of a pebble. The metal fastener is also a
   source of trouble; at this point in my search, the TSA employee came
   dangerously close to getting in touch with my inner hip-hop
   sensibilities. So, wear chinos, or some of those elastic-waistband
   drawstring pants that are so popular with travelers of an older
   demographic.

6. Have a sense of perspective. As you’re feebly lacing your
   shoes, putting your belt on, gathering your belongings, and walking
   off-stage in plain view of your continuing audience of TSA employees
   and fellow passengers, repeat the following to yourself: “It could have
   been a strip-search.”

Hopefully, these hints will help you as you travel this year. Please
don’t get the impression that I begrudge the airport security personnel
their responsibilities; on the contrary, I’m grateful: I think this is
the first time I’ve ever really felt like airport security has
substantially exceeded the laughably absurd. (“Did you pack your bags
yourself?” Right.)

On the other hand, does everyone in the security area really
need to see my navel?