Wishy, and also washy.

With 26 approaching at a rate I can only describe as terrifying, I’ve noticed a shift in my attitude recently: regret.

I never used to have regrets. Neither did Dan, apparently. Once something was in the past, it was in the past, and I moved on. If I didn’t like what had happened or what I’d done or what have you, I still maintained a “what can you do?” attitiude about it all. However, it’s getting harder to do that as the things I’m looking wistfully back at are getting larger and more important.

It’s not that I care about getting older, really. No, really. I do have a few wild-oats regrets, but those aren’t the ones that bother me. The ones that bother me are things I’ve boxed myself out of doing by choices I’ve made throughout my life. 26 already feels too late to, say, drastically change careers. Matt asks me occasionally what I would enjoy doing (usually when I’ve been bitching particularly loudly about my current job). To be honest, I think the only job I would truly be satisfied doing would be playing in an orchestra. The one subject I never got bored of was orchestra. I could play for eight hours a day and be very content, because it never felt like work. I could make room in my days and nights for rehearsals, concerts, master classes. Except that it’s too late for that — I’d have to go back to school, get a degree, work my way up, blah, blah, blah.

But those are just obstacles, really. The real regret comes in when I realize that a career in music just doesn’t align with where I am in my life and what I want. Life is increasingly about compromise, I’m noticing. I could go back to school and get a music degree, but I’d have to give up my income. I could then look for a job with an orchestra, but I’d have to move wherever I could find work, which would likely not be Houston. And so on.

I’ve made my choices: I want a house, I want to be married to Dan, I want to live in Houston (right now). The hard part about growing up is not letting go of things you “can’t” do anymore, but instead facing the things that you have to do and moving forward. I’m good at the facing stuff part, but it’s getting harder to do the moving forward part.

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